Sweating While You Poo

A foreigner-in-Thailand pastime. I’m not here today to share any interesting or informative tidbits about culture. I’m here to talk to about honest truths. Ones we usually don’t talk about. But it’s a story that needs to be told.

It’s a Saturday, around 7:40am, about 2 and half hours before your alarm is set. You are either a) shivering because you made the amazing, yet financially-irresponsible move to leave the air-con on all night, or b) sweating and snuggling your tube pillow. Regardless, you have to pee. You summon your strength and swing your legs to the floor. As you sit up, you realize that your choices from last night are going to lead to an unpleasant day.

If life were a video game, opening the bedroom door is the first boss. The enemy is an unstoppable wall of heat. Don’t waste your time here, there are greater enemies ahead.

5-7** steps later (**steps estimation), you arrive at your self-inflicted torture chamber. No bathroom in Thailand is well ventilated. A sauna is the closest comparison there is. At some point during those 5-7 steps, you realize that the confidence you had in your spicy tolerance from the night before was much overestimated. To quote Gob from Arrested Development, “You’ve made a terrible mistake.” Grab your smart phone and hope this will be over quickly.

… at this point, the inevitable happens. Everyone’s been here at one point or another. Whether it’s “Pandamonium” from the poor decision to eat Panda Express or “winning” the hot wing challenge at a local pub, well let’s just say that things aren’t pretty.

That is unless you’re a girl of course. That book “everybody poops” is a lie.

About 2 minutes later, the sweating begins. And not like a light, gentle sweating from a brisk walk or watching Cops. We’re talkin’ full on forehead drips. Shaq at the free-throw line sweaty. And the worst part? The longer you sit, the worse your headache gets. Cotton mouth is real.  You can only hope you were smart enough to buy a water bottle the day before. It will literally be the only thing that gets you through the next few hours.

Several minutes and one bum-gun session later, it’s nearly over. You stand up on pins and needles because you’ve been sitting for so long. You feel terrible, but better. You need to wash your hands and your face. It’s gonna be a long day.

Pro-tip: don’t order McDonalds. It won’t help.

It’s only now I realize I just wrote 9 paragraphs about poo and sweating in Thailand. I’m ashamed of myself.